At a recent holiday gathering someone comment that Mormons have a secret Club house referring to the Temple. To which I replied that the temple it’s not secret, it’s sacred. I informed the person that I worked in the temple every Friday night. I realized later that i missed a great teaching opportunity and could have invited them to ask questions they might have about the temple. Now I realize the further our culture moves away from that which is sacred and holy, the more opportunities I will have to talk about faith and why I do what I do and live the way I live, as a gay mormon.
I have been a temple ordinance worker since Oct 2015 and the blessings I have received from working in the temple are unparalleled by any other event, time or act of service. The most subtle yet life changing blessing is how God changes and softens my heart and instills within me the ability to love and forgive others beyond my own capacity.
The events of this past week taught me a great lesson on how the Savior forgives us and how He wants me to forgive others. Had I not attended the temple, I would have not learned this lesson as easily or profoundly.
Wednesday morning after prayer and scripture study I went to the kitchen for breakfast. My house mate Dave had been awake for a while and was moving full steam ahead. Dave is 66 and semi-retired construction worker. Today he wasn’t working and was already deep into the negativity of daily news on talk radio, and seemed to think I was there to be recipient of all his thoughts and opinions on how the world is horrible. I felt under attack. I was not prepared for this spiritual and emotional assault. I heard his words and not wanting to engage with him or fuel his fire I said very little.
I opened the fridge, took out an orange and looked back to see what else I might need for breakfast. I was criticized for leaving the fridge door open too long. As I began to cut my orange he began to tell me that I should just put the whole thing in the blender and have juice because all the nutrition is in the peel. I just looked at him as if to say “shut your mouth”.
Then he changed gears and started talking all about how everything in his life is hard and started spewing complaints about all the things he had to do and how he would be looked down upon driving his old Volkswagon into the Pearl district. Visably annoyed I reminded him he could take the public transit into town to avoid petty humiliation. He then complained about all the other things he had to do. As I sat down to the table my heart was racing. I told him to stop complaining. Next he ropes me into his “life is so bad” narrative saying how he has ruined my day by staying home and interrupting my breakfast. Furthermore he ask’s what do I do with myself all day anyway sense I don’t have a regular day job.
Yes. He was right – He just dumped a whole bucket of crap all over me before I could drink a cup of tea.
I left the house as soon as possible. I had no interest in being around this level of negativity and contention. I however was not able to escape the feelings of anger, resentment and contention and carried them with me the remainder of the day, albeit under the surface. My heart was hurt. Attacked for no reason. I felt like I had been smeared with a dark slime and I could not shake it off. I should have stopped and prayed but I was in panic mode and focused on removing myself from the environment.
Later that afternoon, when I returned home I found myself thinking of things to do that would annoy him. I didn’t clean up as well after using the kitchen, our only common space. I left enough of a mess to make myself feel vindicated. I jokingly asking the Lord if I could move out now even if I have only lived here for 10 weeks. I didn’t wait for the reply because I knew the answer was no.
Thursday, Dave left for work early and I did not see him. Later I was lead to have a phone conversation with my younger sister in how and when to talk to men, identifying and asking for what I need. I felt better resolving to clear this up verbally with my accuser.
6:20 A.M. Friday I came downstairs and Dave asked me for help in pushing his 1965 Dodge Dart out of the garage to be picked up by the tow truck for repair. I prayed to ask if this was the right time to talk with him. The answer was no. Dave wouldn’t be able to listen because his mind was on his car and this would annoy him. Then the Lord showed me I would have plenty of time to talk with him later and the conversation would go better. So I waited. That afternoon I went to work my shift in the temple feeling some resentment toward Dave and his grumpy old man ways.
When I got home late after serving in the temple, I realized that I had unkind feelings toward my housemate and that is no way to live. It had nothing to do with my housemate, and everything to do with the spirit inside of me. Then the Lord showed me about His way of forgiving. The Lord doesn’t harbor resentment. He has forgiven us of our sins already, it’s our job to ask, and when we do we feel his forgiveness but he doesn’t wait for our repentance to continue loving us. He loves us even when we sin and offend and does everything to help us learn, grow and improve as the Savior perfectly loves us. I realized on a deeper lever how the Lord lives in perpetual forgiveness and love. If I want to be like the Savior, I will strive to do the same and I needed only to love and freely forgive.
I realized Dave didn’t have to ask my forgiveness in order for me to forgive him. It was my job to inform him of me needing peace in the morning but this was a separate issue from asking forgiveness. He didn’t purposefully hurt me, I was just a little raw that morning and couldn’t handle his morning kvetching.
Had I not attended the temple and been imbued with the love of my Savior, i don’t think I would have learned this lesson or been giving the healing I needed in order to love my enemy.
Saturday morning I prayed the Lord would give me the right words to speak with Dave. I went downstairs and Dave was sitting at the table. I was able to say “Good morning buttercup” and I mean it. Then I told him ” I learned something about myself this week”. I then expressed my experience of Tuesday morning and he said “So in the morning you need peace. I get it.” He heard me and I let it go. It was pleasant enough following our brief conversation.
Sunday morning he was an entirely different person. Soft spoken and sweet. Kind in his words and not a trace of negativity. It was remarkable. The Lord not only blessed me by softening my heart and teaching me about forgiveness, but has also blessed me to live with a person who truly has a good heart and can make changes.
We all get torn down from the world. That’s the gravity of living in a fallen world. But the Savior offers us a better life. “My peace I give unto you: not as the world giveth, give I unto you. Let not your heart be troubled…” John 24:27.
This is what happens to me in the temple.
https://www.lds.org/media-library/video/2015-06-1020-mormon-temples?lang=eng
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