It takes a while. Infact, everthing takes longer than you think it does. Every day I go to work on building my house, I have an idea of what I would like to accomplish. When I first started out, I thought I could have this house built enough with plumbing and electricity and insulation that I could be moved in by November. Well today is November 28, and I still have to put in another window.
In a perfect world, I would be able to accomplish my goals right on time. There is just one problem. Me.
I don’t actually know how to build a house. I don’t actually know what I am doing. I make so many mistakes. No Kidding. Fortunately I had only two things that I had to completely redo. Neither of which where too horrible. I do have an advantage over other rookies because I am good with tools, AND i can relying upon the skill set and knowledge of my Dad, who does know how to build a house. And I am learning that even he is learning.
This being the Sabbath, I can hardly think of this experience as just temporal. For all things are spiritual first.
This week I was ponderizing this scripture
…And if men come unto me I will show unto them their weakness. I bgive unto men weakness that they may be humble; and my cgrace is sufficient for all men that dhumble themselves before me; for if they humble themselves before me, and have faith in me, then will I make eweak things become strong unto them. (Ether 12:27, Book of Mormon)
I can’t tell you how tired and weak building a house makes me feel, primarily in my body, but also in my determination. I was tired of feeling hurt and tired. In my weakest moments how grateful I am to have the help of a father in heaven to keep me moving along.
I found this over and over again.
As I build my house, I am learning. I don’t know how to do a lot of things, and If my dad isn’t around to ask, I go to the Lord. Even when My dad is around, and its up to me to make something go and I can’t do it, I call to God.
I have learned that building a house is more like running a marathon than a sprint. This is much different than anything I have done before. I never ever thought I would have my own home. I thought it would take too much upkeep, and be too big of a distraction from all the stuff I have going on.
Well thank you Pandemic for putting things in perspective.
I haven’t felt like writing because I wasn’t ready. It took some time to heal enough, to start to recognize my own eyes in the mirror. By the time I left Portland, there was no light in my eyes. (note: if you don’t like the place you live… move.)
I have never lived alone. In my entire life. I have always shared space with my partner or had housemates. I can’t express the changes that have come in my perspective and awareness.
I was reading a talk on Pride by Ezra Taft Benson called Beware of Pride. In it he states:
“…Another major portion of this very prevalent sin of pride is enmity toward our fellowmen. We are tempted daily to elevate ourselves above others and diminish them. (See Hel. 6:17; D&C 58:41.)
The proud make every man their adversary by pitting their intellects, opinions, works, wealth, talents, or any other worldly measuring device against others. In the words of C. S. Lewis: “Pride gets no pleasure out of having something, only out of having more of it than the next man. … It is the comparison that makes you proud: the pleasure of being above the rest. Once the element of competition has gone, pride has gone.” (Mere Christianity, New York: Macmillan, 1952, pp. 109–10.)
when I read this i realized how pride was evident in myself.
What really struck me was “once the element of competition has gone, pride has gone”
Moving to the middle of nowhere has been really good for me. All comparison, and element of competition are gone. I realized that for much of my life I have been stuck in a trap of pride. For years I was consumed with being a certain kind of saxophone player and musician. I had made an expectation for myself to attain a certain level of technical skill forgetting the why behind music. I was constantly comparing myself to others. When I went to hear live music, It ended up being more of a head trip on how much more I need to practice, more self depricating than enjoyment. But it was motivation to practice. I guess I was more in the compare and dispair camp than anything.
Now all that is gone. In fact all the reasons I had to be as thin as I was are also gone. no more comparing. None of these things are inately wrong. Practicing to get better is good, but witholding the talent to share with others because I don’t think I am good enough is not good. Now that all the pressure is gone. I love to play my saxophone. It brings me more joy now than ever.
I have also stopped starving myself. Turns out I can’t build a house if I don’t have the energy. I learned early on that I had much better and more productive days if I just eat something.
I feel I have broken down to the very beginning and core of myself. All the fancy things of lives past are no longer. I am left with just what is on the inside. And I gotta say, even that looks a little unfamiliar still.
This is what I do know, that even when you get turned upside down, and all the loose change from your pocket fall to the floor, its the lord who is holding me up and keeping me from crashing on my head.
I have been blessed i countless ways. I need to count my blessings. I have so much to be grateful for. Grateful I will have a house that is mine, that I am learning to build a house. I am grateful to have enough students and I get to study and practice living the gospel with my dad and Mary.
Leave a Reply