Sometimes gifts are given in boxes that act like bombs. They blow up in your face before you know what happened. Despite our best efforts to clean up the mess, we can never get the smell or smoke back in the box nor will we ever be the same again.
A friend gave me one of those exploding gifts last week. I left in tears. I wrote her an email, in effort to put the bomb back in the box. But just as I left the moment with gunpowder on my face, she or I will probably never be the same again.
What she told me will be hard to explain, because it was sent through the spirit. Words most often fail us when we speak of things that don’t fit in a pie chart, or on a graph or a power point. The most beautiful moments dance outside those boxes, and that is where life, growth and beauty happen. And they are messy and hard to explain. Too many layers and subtleties to uncover here.
My friend and I randomly attended the temple of our God at the same time. It was a joy to see her sitting with her husband. It is always a joy to run into friends randomly, even in the grocery store… In the temple it is with eternal joy. In that moment, she had eyes to see me for who I am. Who I really am.
The following Sunday I sad next to her in church. I wondered why I didn’t see them sitting in the celestial room after the endowment session. we talked about our experiences and I shared that like her and her husband, I always went to the temple with an intention but I had no one to share it with. Then all of a sudden, she said “Oh my gosh, you are ready! You are ready to get married! you would be such a great wife!”
I then of course tried to remind her that I am Gay and her response was “that doesn’t matter!” A part of me was flabbergasted. I didn’t know if she was that faithful or that ignorant. Or a magical combination of both. Then she pushed the issue and told me I needed to be proactive and start dating – that I needed to find a guy she wanted me to promise that I would start dating. I refused and told her to shut her mouth and I even went so far as to put my hand over her mouth when she wouldn’t stop talking. This resulted in her giving me a big hug telling me she loved me. I tried to tell her some things are better left not talked about but she wouldn’t let it go.
I began to cry, as I was forced to recognize the two conflicting truths within me. Yes, I know that there is a part of my heart that wants deeply to have a lasting eternal partnership, and my spirit is ready for that. Then there is my body truth, which I have for the majority of my life not been attracted to men. I told my friend all I could do was pray and ask the Lord what to do next. To see if it’s time.
Since moving here to Missouri, I am surrounded by worthy priesthood holders, and my view of men in changing. I find myself really enjoying the relationships I have with the men out here. Even looking forward to when Dave, Paul show up. Special type guys. Dave is a temple sealer. There are so many good guys out here. My father is one. So I figured that at the end of my life, I might find someone to saddle up with. That has been safe in my mind.
As I left church that day of the bomb gift, I went to the car to ride home with dad and Mary as typical and felt shell shocked. in a moment of silence I blurted out loud “She said I am ready to get married and she told me I need to start online dating” to which Dad a Mary both responded perfectly. I was kind of surprised at how much they both stuck up for me and said that was a crazy and bad idea. Ya cant force anyone to do anything. It never works. I learned a lot about them at that moment. They really love me and support me.
As much as I tried to put it away in my mind and heart, I could not. I did pray and that Lord was very clear to stay still. To not push or force this. I was comforted and strove to remember the feeling I had. I prayed and asked for confirmation several times and received the same answer. Hard no.
By Wednesday my inner boil had calmed to some degree and I was starting to let it go some. Every time something like this happens I become an echo chamber and the words bounce of one side of me to the other for days and days, until something that comes along to absorb the sound. This time It was my sweet sweet Father. He brought it up as I was passing through the shop looking for a tool.
He told me he had been thinking about ________ and what she said. “oh, So I am not the only one who has been thinking about this?” “No.” he responded. I learned in essence he was quite upset that she would say such a thing. Enough so to consider and talking to her husband and letting him know his wife can’t do that. I learned that my father has paid more attention to this struggle of mine and his younger brother mike than I had imagined. I talked about how the church has stopped trying to change people orientation because it doesn’t work. How people have committed suicide over the pressure to fit in and be straight. He doubted that she had ever really had to dig deep. In essence, I realized for the first time in my life, just how much my father loves and knows me how much he supports me and has seen my stuggle. This is huge. Coming from the same father that was considering putting my into conversion therapy 25 years ago. I realized that he loves me more than anyone on the earth. And it was absolutely wonderful.
Then next morning I wrote my friend and email and told her that she can never do that again. Told her, it’s not her place to tell a gay person to get married. told her that I was here with my Dad and Mary, helping them out and learning and healing, growing, and It’s not time for me to get married or even think about it. I thanked her for seeing eyes to see me for who I am, and encouraging me to move on with my life. I was very clear with my boundaries and asked her to never do it again.
she wrote back and apologized. I told this to dad, mostly to keep him from going to her husband and giving him the riot act. In a way that email was damage control. It was also good for me, for it put the power back in my court.
That day a friend of Dads showed up to work on putting up the solar array panels and Dad asked for my help. Yes, another awesome priesthood holder. Couldn’t help but notice my giddyness around him. He’s the only friend of dads close to my age range. Yes he is married. It was stupid. I had a blast working with him – and always do.
Few days later I was reading in Ether 12 in the book of mormon. The chapter on faith. As I read, the spirit was my tutor and opened my eyes to see that faith is becoming, faith is hoping for that which is not seen but that which is true. I learned that faith hope and charity all go together. In my mind came the thought, another word for charity is love. My eyes and mind could see the eventuality of me having a priesthood holding partner. In that moment I felt joy. I am now allowed to see myself differently. I am not stuck in a box of being gay for eternity. I am not relegated to a life alone. I am worthy of a partner and the Lord intends to bless me with one when the time is right.
Now that I can see men for good and not be so disgusted by them, the Lord is showing me I can see myself differently too. I now have hope.
I do know that I am to be here with Dad and Mary now, to finish my purpose with them, for there are many. I hope it is a many good long years that I get to spend living in my newly constructed home and enjoying time with dad and Mary. I am greatly blessed to be here. I do not want to rush through this stage at all. Making up for the lost time with dad from the age of nine is a undreamt dream come true. My dad is my favorite man on the earth, and I intend to spend as much time with him as I possibly can.
Yes we serve a God that is better and higher who can give us beyond what good we can imagine. It is true indeed”…him that is able to do exceedingly abundantly above all that we ask or think” (Ephesians 3:20 )
I know that I am blessed. I know that as I continue to strive to live the commandments, attend the temple and keep my covenants with God, only the best things will come to be. Yes, sometimes even gift bombs are just the right thing. I am grateful for a good friend who has eyes to see who I am really and helps me to see me for who I am too. These are the best gifts of which I am grateful for.
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